She Was Stifling
by Where-We-Are-Just-And-Loyal
Summary: Lily needs air, she needs a break, who will help her breathe?


Written for: Hogwarts School: Magical Healing- write about a person who finds a way to breathe again. you may take this literally or metaphorically.

I'm not JKR

* * *

She was stifling, choking under the pressure of the pain, the fear. Why couldn't she get a relief, why couldn't she just let go? Lily was just a girl. She was 13, mind, but she felt so old after dealing with this. Why couldn't she just let it GO? She sat on her bed, one hand running through her ginger locks, another fidgeting restlessly with anything and everything near her. Her breath was coming in short, quick gasps and her whole body was filled with adrenaline.

* * *

 _She was sitting in the car in their muggle trip, laughing with Albus and James. All of a sudden, she felt something settle in the pit of her stomach, then begin to churn._

 _"Mummy? I don't feel good," she said in a small voice. James looked at her._

 _"You don't look too good. You're all pale," he observed._

" _What's wrong Lily?" her mum asked. Lily's eyes widened._

 _"Mummy?" she whimpered, frightened. Albus scrunched away from her._

 _"She's going to puke, get her a cup," he ordered. Ginny rustled through her bag quickly, grabbing a plastic cup from their supplies and passing it back to her. Lily grabbed it just as she retched._

 _When it was over, she looked up, tears streaming down her face._

 _"Harry, how much further until we get to the hotel?" Ginny asked, worriedly._

 _"We're two minutes away," Harry said, keeping his eyes focused on the road. "I'll try and get there as fast as possible." He pressed the gas a little harder._

 _Lily's stomach churned. She was afraid._

 _Just as they were turning into the parking lot, she retched again. Albus stayed as far away as possible (which wasn't very far) but James put his arm comfortingly around her. She couldn't blame Al, he was only 10, but James was big, he was 12 and he was her protector._

 _"Here, get the room key and go to the room, I'll deal with everything else," Harry said as the car halted in front of the hotel. Albus scrambled out of the car and Ginny opened the door for James who helped Lily out._

 _"James, Albus, stay with Lily out here in the air. I'm going to get our room keys," she ordered as Harry drove away. They stood outside for what felt like eternity to Lily, but was actually two minutes. When Ginny joined them again, Lily grabbed her mother's hand and clung to it. She swallowed hard against her stomach's contents._

 _Once they made it to the room, it was just a dark, scary world for Lily. She felt lost. She was trembling and sweating. The nausea came and went. At one point her parents had to go out and find medicine, leaving her with her brothers. She cried and in the middle of the night woke up with a fever. Up and down she went. After a long night, she finally stopped being sick._

* * *

Looking back on it, it probably wouldn't have traumatized her so much, but it just confirmed her suspicions that she was weak, fearful. She couldn't even discuss it with herself, let alone anyone else. But why was she so scared of something that happened to everyone? She must be a weirdo.

She continued rocking for what felt like forever until she heard a knock on the door. Lily tried to compose herself as best she could while toxic thoughts were running through her mind. She grabbed a book to hide her panicked face.

"Lily? Can I come in?" said a voice she recognized. Lily stood up quickly, trying to compose herself for real this time and failing. She swung her door open.

"Hi Lysander," she said, smiling fakely. He stood there, in all his brownish blonde haired, doe eyed cuteness, her best friend other than Camilla Finnigan and Hugo.

"Hi," he greeted her.

"Come on in," Lily said, walking back over to her bed and sitting down. "Why did you come over?" she asked.

"Oh, I was bored. Mum and Dad are on some expedition and Lorcan's over at his friends for a sleepover," Lysander informed Lily. "What are you up to?" Lily held up her book, keeping her expression neutral.

"Reading," she said.

"You hate potions, what changed?" her friend asked. Lily frowned.

"Momentary lapse of sanity?" she shrugged.

"What's wrong?" Lysander asked, sitting down on the floor and crossing his legs.

"Did I say anything was wrong?" Lily asked, her mind reeling with possibilities.

"You look panicked and you grimaced at me. And you act weird sometimes, like, all the time," he said.

"Maybe I'm just weird," Lily said.

"I've seen you act weird and that is when you are more normal," Lysander insisted. Lily slumped.

"Fine, you want to know? I'll tell you," she said angrily, all her emotions finally flooding out. "When I was eight I got really sick. Now, I have anxiety and I worry about whether something is going to make me throw…" she stopped short as her stomach churned. Her eyes widened.

"Lily? What's wrong?" Lysander asked, looking concerned. When she didn't respond, he grabbed her hand. She jolted. "Lily?"

"Sorry, sorry"' she muttered. "I'm fine, I'm fine."

"You are not fine," Lysander said. "Continue." Lily nodded and looked down at her hands.

"Anyway, I… IthrewupandIcan'ttalktoanyoneoreatanythingthatisn'tsafe," she said in a rush. "There you go, I'm stupid and pathetic for having panic attacks because I threw up ONE TIME." She snapped, burying her face in her hands. She could almost feel the judgement and mocking coming off Lysander in waves, but when she looked up, she was surprised to see that he looked sympathetic.

"You aren't stupid and pathetic," he said. "From what it sounds like, you got really ill at a young age and never dealt with the after affects. That would scar anyone." When Lily just looked at him disbelievingly, Lysander sighed.

"Just trust me. The only thing that will help you rid yourself of this anxiety will be to face it, to truly master the fear. It's okay to feel fear. That shows just how strong you are, that you can feel fear and still keep going. That's why you are a Gryffindor, Lily."

Lily stared at him, then slipped off the bed and hugged her friend tightly.

"I'll try" she promised him.

* * *

"Hey you, how's it going?" said a familiar voice. Lily glanced up from her painting to see her best friend and crush standing in the doorway of her art shed. She was sixteen now, and with the help of the wonderful Lysander, she'd managed to overcome her fear, to eat normally, to finally tell her parents about her emetophobia (she even had a name for it now!) and to find a way to express herself.

"Hey Lys," she greeted him, setting her paintbrush down on the table. Once she'd told her dad about her fear and how art was good way of coping with it and expressing herself, he'd just smiled and said 'I've known for a long time that you had some level of anxiety; so did your mum. We were both in the war, we know when someone is troubled. I'll help you in any way I can.' And so he'd converted their old garden shed to an art studio for her and she'd painted the walls and paper and everything else she could find, including herself.

"What are you painting now?" Lysander asked, walking over to Lily.

"Buckbeak in autumn" Lily said, narrowing her eyes at the canvas. She picked up her paintbrush and streaked a little milky-tea colored paint in the hippogriffs wings.

"That's looking really beautiful, Lily" Lysander commented, staring at her. Lily, of course didn't notice, but Lysander wasn't talking just about the painting.

"Hmm," she hummed, not taking her eyes off her work.

"I brought brownies," Lysander held up a plate. This jerked Lily out of her painting induce reverie.

"Yum!" she said. "Just one sec." she turned back to her painting, then dipped her brush in a different color, a deep grey. Lysander frowned, then a smile spread across his face.

"This is a really pretty part, I like it a lot," as he pointed at the spot in question, he bumped his hand against Lily's. Her brush went awry and a smudge painted itself across her nose and cheek. Lysander laughed at her disgruntled expression and reached his hand out, taking the brush away.

"I also like this part," he reached forward and cupped her face, wiping the paint off with his thumb. Lily's breath caught as he leaned in. An inch away, he turned and ran out the door, laughing. Lily scowled.

"I'll get you for that, Lysander!" she yelled, dashing after him. They chased each other around the yard until Lily managed to jump on Lysander's back and tackle him down.

"Now let's finish this," Lily said, sitting up and leaning forward. Lysander closed the distance and kissed her, right on the lips. A warm tingle spread through Lily's body to the tips of her toes. They broke apart.

"Thank you," Lily murmured.

"For what?" Lysander asked.

"For helping me breathe again," she said simply.

* * *

A/N: Okay, so Lily's experience is basically exactly something that happened to me minus the romance and plus the fact that it took me from age 7-12 to overcome my anxiety mostly, but anyway, enjoy! R&R!

W-W-A-J-A-L


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